Looking to the Past for a Better Future

Hey everyone. Today's post is a bit more... personal than I usually get. We're living in a crazy world right now that can feel hopeless and honestly I've been letting it get to me for a lot longer than I care to admit. So today I'm going to be talking about healing, dreams, and the future. Content warning: Mental illness and vauge mentions of suicidal tendencies

We all had dreams growing up, whether it was a dream of our future career, a dream of a different world, or just a little dream of happiness. As we get older, it's natural for our dreams to change. We're told we need to be realistic with our dreams and we start forming ambitions and goals instead. By the time we're adults, we may even forget what our childhood dreams were, or if we even had any in the first place. When I was growing up, I had dreams, but I kept them secret, even from myself at times, and instead tried to have dreams that were the same as my sister. As I grew older, my real dreams were influenced by my loves, and the dreams I expressed, while sometimes my true dreams, were more and more cries for acceptance. Whenever I did tell my true dreams, I was shut down, told to be realistic, and told they would never happen. I believed what I told, so I took my crumpled dreams and put them away. I locked more and more of myself away the older I got and began to rely on daydreams and escapism to live those "unrealistic" dreams. I put on a mask of who I thought I should be, but I was still rejected, still told I couldn't get things right, that I was a failure. And so I became angry. Angry at everything around me because no matter how hard I tried, it was never enough and I was always second place.

As I got older still and was forced to think about my future, I tried to express my real interests and dreams again. I was told that they weren't any good, that there was no point trying because it wouldn't work, because their dreams didn't work out, so why would mine? So I gave up. I ran away. I joined the very thing I'd been threatened with since I was a teenager. It both ruined my life and gave me an opportunity for a new life. I was moved away from where I grew up, to the complete opposite coast where I was alone and knew no one. I was still in contact with my family and some friends back home, but I was utterly on my own for the first time. I finally had a bit of room to breathe, I thought.

I started to try and define myself, trying on new fashions and old hobbies to see what would stick. But there were even more people telling me to step back into line. I could be whatever I wanted as long as I didn't leave that line. I had even more voices telling me what I needed to do to fit their mold of success, and when I said no, I was punished. And so I got angrier and more frustrated and hopeless. My despair swallowed me up and my life felt meaningless. Luckily I managed to hold on for a bit longer, just long enough to get help. For the first time in my life I was told that I wasn't okay, but that was okay. I was taught coping mechanisms and was able to start thinking critically about my mental health. I got better for a while, and so I stopped making appointments. I thought I'd made it through the worst of things and that I'd be able to cope with things well enough to make it through. But I was wrong.

In 2018, I left the military due to mental health issues that I couldn't resolve while I was enlisted and that wouldn't allow me to work without eventually becoming a statistic. And so they marked me as useless and kicked me out with a gold star for effort. The last two years haven't been a lot better than the four I spent in. I tried to pursue my dreams in the best way I could, but I still lacked real support. I ended up putting my dreams on pause in order to be able to survive. I finally started to make what felt like progress, but then the novel coronavirus COVID-19 came along and closed down just about everything, including my source of income, putting me back in the position I was two years ago, but under even less optimal conditions. I'm not going to lie, it's been extremely rough. But I've had a lot of time. A lot of oportunities to think about what matters the most to me.

And then, something happened. One of my favorite brands, Baby the Stars Shine bright, colaborated with Harajuku Pop to make the At Home Lolita Contest. And I saw one of my dreams again, up for the winning if I entered. And I began to remember my dreams again. I remembered the things that I loved and the things that I replaced them with because I was told that my dreams were unobtainable. And so I took a shakey first step towards reclaiming my dreams. I drew myself in a dream that I want to become a reality. And then I prayed that this dream could become a reality and drew that too. I suddenly started to remember who I wanted to be and what I wanted to do. It's going to be a long path ahead to get there, but I'm on that path now and I see where I'm going.

I hope you all can find your dreams too, whether they're lost or not. ♥
~Butterfly

Artwork by me, do not share or reproduce without permission.

At the time of writing this, the At Home Lolita contest is still underway and winners have not been announced yet. Check out my Twitter to see the results and stay tuned for future posts.

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Relationship Advice From a Single Potato

Hey everyone! So in case you couldn't guess from the title of this post, I am single, and I'm going to be letting you all know about things I've learned from being in and out of relationships as well as single. First thigs first though, let me tell you what I know nothing about: Lasting, long-term relationships and long distance relationships. With that in mind, let me tell you what I've learned.


#1: It's never too late for your first boyfriend
 To be perfectly honest, I didn't have my first official boyfriend (both parties agreed we were dating) until I was 19. I'd had some mutual crushes and been on a few group dates previously, but I had never dated one person exclusively. I learned a lot from that relationship as well as subsequent relationships, but one of the main things I learned is that it doesn't matter if you're 14 or 35: You're never too old to start dating for the first time. Don't let yourself feel down because you aren't in a relationship and there's people younger than you going steady. There's no need to rush.


#2: Don't feel pressured to have a relationship
 It's pretty common for single people to see others in relationships in media and around them and feel like they have to be in one to fit in or feel happy. There's no reason to force a relationship just to have one though. While it's nice having someone else to care about and to care for you, it's better to stay single sometimes. When we rush into relationships to feel included, we can end up with harmful people or with someone we don't actually get along with. So don't force yourself. If you're single, enjoy your time with yourself. If you're in a relationship, don't feel the need to stay in it just for the sake of having a relationship. If things aren't working out, it's better to break it off and go your separate ways than stay unhappy.


#3: Get to know you
 I think one of the most important things I've learned relationship-wise is the importance of knowing and loving oneself before getting into a relationship. I've had a lot of jerks come through my life and a lot of potential dates missed because I didn't know or love myself that much. It's really hard to expect someone else to like you back if you don't even like yourself. Take your time being single and spend it getting to know yourself better. Write in a journal, talk to yourself, find out what you do and don't like. And once you've gotten to know yourself better, it'll be easier to accept yourself and find someone who will respect you rather than take advantage of you. Looking back at some of my previous relationships, I realize I was just looking for someone to like me in lieu of me liking myself and that a lot of them didn't have any respect for me. They just saw me as something easy to play with. Fortunately I stuck to my guns on some of my more important beliefs, but I still wish I'd realized my own worth instead of letting myself constantly get sold short.


 #4: Don't be afraid of short relationships
 So, the majority of my romantic relationships have been less than a month and I've dated quite a few guys in the past couple of years. A lot of people joke around and call me a "man eater" because of this, but ultimately, I know this isn't true. I'm still pretty new to dating and am learning more and more with each relationship. Some people find "the one" and start off with a lasting, long term relationship. Lucky them. Some of us have to test the waters out though and get to know ourselves as well as figure out what we want in a relationship. As I mentioned before, I didn't really have much self love back when I started dating, so I struggled finding someone to have a relationship with. These experiences have taught me more about myself than I could have learned on my own. Sometimes the negative things one ex has to say about you are things you really like about yourself. For example, one time I inadvertently ended a relationship by dumping a bunch of glitter on the guy I was dating when he fell asleep. (He would often come over to hang out and then just fall asleep on my chair when I wanted to have someone to talk to, so I had gotten pretty annoyed at this trend.) He later called me childish and said I needed to grow up. Thing is, I like the fact that I can still be a happy and giggly goofball despite having been through some difficult things. I'm pretty mature for my age (I grew up around older people, so I act more like them than someone my age), but that doesn't mean I don't like poking people for no apparent reason or getting giddy about something I find amusing. Heck, my mom has to kick my dad under the table when he won't stop making jokes at dinner sometimes and they're over 50. So, don't be afraid of short relationships. You can learn more about yourself from a grouchy ex than you might realize! And you can also learn more about what to avoid in relationships from them too.


I hope you all enjoyed my advice today! If you want to date, have fun doing so, just remember you should always be the most important person in your life. Don't let anyone else tell you you aren't worth it.


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Just Be Yourself

Hey everyone! So recently I've been going through a lot of things all in due process of growing up. And I've come to realize a lot of different things that have changed my life for the better, so I want to share some of these things with you guys. We only have one life, so let's learn to make the best of it.


#1: Don't Lie to Yourself
 Up until a few days ago, I've been lying to myself about certain aspects of my personality. I didn't want  to accept a part of me that I wasn't used to, so I decided to just kinda ignore it as much as possible. This isn't a healthy thing to do. Take the time to talk to yourself and get to know all sides of your personality. Intentionally hiding yourself from yourself and consequently others can lead to you feeling ashamed of yourself and possibly even make you hate yourself. You're stuck with you for your whole life, so don't lie to the most important person in your life: you.


#2: Write Down All Your Problems
 I, as I'm sure many of you do, have trouble expressing my problems and tend to let them build up until I have a breakdown. This isn't healthy. Take the time to sit down with a notebook (or carry one with you) and write down everything you can think of that's been bothering you, even the small stuff. I tend to empathize with others, so some of my worries aren't even my own problems. Something as simple as having sore muscles or a pimple can cause a lot more grief than it should if you don't realize that you're also dealing with homesickness, grief over a lost friend, or something else more serious like that. Write down everything and you'll soon find that a weight's been lifted from your shoulders. After all, knowing is half the battle.


#3: Take Time to Cry
 In today's busy world, it's hard to find time to fit everything we want to do into a day, much less a week. We can get stressed out and want to cry, but end up bottling it up inside so people don't think of us as a cry baby. But if we don't give ourselves time to cry in private, we could find ourselves breaking down in public at the slightest provocation. I work in an environment where professionalism is strongly emphasized, so having a breakdown at work is unacceptable for me. Because of this, I often have to put my emotions on the back burner, then by the time I get home I need to do some chores and head to bed. This causes me to wear down more easily, so there are days I just have to decide to head to bed earlier or take a longer shower so I can just spend some time crying. If you're having a bad morning, but still have to go to work, allow yourself to cry for as long as possible while you're getting ready and wait until the last minute to put your makeup on so it doesn't get ruined. Go to your car (or your room if it's close) and have a breakdown over lunch if you need to. Just make sure to drink plenty of water after so you don't get dehydrated.


#4: Don't be Ashamed to Call a Friend
 Sometimes I get so worried that I'll be a nuisance to my friends if I call them just to cry and talk about my problems that I end up suffering in silence. My advice is this: If they're your friends, they won't mind having you call for support. Sometimes we just need to talk to someone and get all our frustrations out, and good friends are always there to support you. Even if you have a therapist or other trained professional that you have regular appointments with, sometimes you can't discuss everything with them in the time you have. That's why you need to realize that your friends are there for you and you shouldn't feel bad calling them just to blow off some steam. I know a lot of my friends are comfortable talking to me about what's bothering them, so I shouldn't feel bad calling them when I need support. And neither should you.


I hope you all enjoyed today's topic! I've been having to learn a lot of things on my own since I'm far away from my family right now, so I hope that what I've learned can help people in similar situations. Stay strong, everyone!


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It's Procrastination Time! Dealing with Motivational Loss

Hello everyone! So today's topic is slightly different from my regular fashion, anime, and movie related posts. Today I'll be talking about procrastination and how to motivate yourself.




 So what prompted me to write about this topic on my blog? Well, unfortunately I've been dealing with a lot of procrastination and lack of motivation lately. I spend entirely too much time flopping around my room being bored, but not wanting to da anything. This is frustrating me to no extent as I have plenty of unfinished projects, video games, and room organization and clean up to do in the time I don't spend at work. So, I've been looking into myself to try and figure out why I act this way, why I don't do the things I love and really want to do. Based on my behavior as a kid as well as growing up, I determined my main problem was procrastination. I tend to wait until the last minute, then rush through everything I need to do a couple days or the night before. On the plus side, this has made me very good at writing short English papers in a short period of time, but on the downside this means that I have trained myself to finish things last minute before deadlines. So what do I do when I don't have a deadline? Absolutely nothing. I sit around wanting to get things done, but never doing them because I've either lost motivation, don't have a deadline, or don't have all the necessary components because I haven't felt the urge to go buy them. This has been affecting a lot of different aspects of my life, making it hard for me to want to do anything outside of work and necessary food shopping trips.


 Now comes the question: What am I going to do to avoid procrastinating and what can you do if you find yourself acting the same way? To start with, I intend to buy a planner for myself, one that I can write 'To do' lists in as well as appointments in. I'm going to start giving myself deadlines for my sewing and cosplay projects ("I want to wear this yukata on this date.") that way I have to force myself to work on them so that they'll be complete in time. Or at least close enough that I can finish them up within a few days. I'm also going to start planning times for when to do certain tasks such as exercising, laundry, or shopping. In addition to these, I'm going to make a list of things I can do when I'm bored or don't feel like doing anything so I can choose something to do (other than flop around on my bed) and do it. All of them will be things I can do by myself, but I'll also write down some things I can do with friends so I don't always end up doing the whole "What do you wanna do?" "I dunno,. What do you wanna do?" routine every time I get to hang out with them.


 As I have yet to try any of this, I have yet to know how effective it is. I will be sure to update you all in a few months and let you know how it's going. If you decide to try this out too, let me know! I'd love to hear about your progress as well.


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