We all had dreams growing up, whether it was a dream of our future career, a dream of a different world, or just a little dream of happiness. As we get older, it's natural for our dreams to change. We're told we need to be realistic with our dreams and we start forming ambitions and goals instead. By the time we're adults, we may even forget what our childhood dreams were, or if we even had any in the first place. When I was growing up, I had dreams, but I kept them secret, even from myself at times, and instead tried to have dreams that were the same as my sister. As I grew older, my real dreams were influenced by my loves, and the dreams I expressed, while sometimes my true dreams, were more and more cries for acceptance. Whenever I did tell my true dreams, I was shut down, told to be realistic, and told they would never happen. I believed what I told, so I took my crumpled dreams and put them away. I locked more and more of myself away the older I got and began to rely on daydreams and escapism to live those "unrealistic" dreams. I put on a mask of who I thought I should be, but I was still rejected, still told I couldn't get things right, that I was a failure. And so I became angry. Angry at everything around me because no matter how hard I tried, it was never enough and I was always second place.
As I got older still and was forced to think about my future, I tried to express my real interests and dreams again. I was told that they weren't any good, that there was no point trying because it wouldn't work, because their dreams didn't work out, so why would mine? So I gave up. I ran away. I joined the very thing I'd been threatened with since I was a teenager. It both ruined my life and gave me an opportunity for a new life. I was moved away from where I grew up, to the complete opposite coast where I was alone and knew no one. I was still in contact with my family and some friends back home, but I was utterly on my own for the first time. I finally had a bit of room to breathe, I thought.
I started to try and define myself, trying on new fashions and old hobbies to see what would stick. But there were even more people telling me to step back into line. I could be whatever I wanted as long as I didn't leave that line. I had even more voices telling me what I needed to do to fit their mold of success, and when I said no, I was punished. And so I got angrier and more frustrated and hopeless. My despair swallowed me up and my life felt meaningless. Luckily I managed to hold on for a bit longer, just long enough to get help. For the first time in my life I was told that I wasn't okay, but that was okay. I was taught coping mechanisms and was able to start thinking critically about my mental health. I got better for a while, and so I stopped making appointments. I thought I'd made it through the worst of things and that I'd be able to cope with things well enough to make it through. But I was wrong.
In 2018, I left the military due to mental health issues that I couldn't resolve while I was enlisted and that wouldn't allow me to work without eventually becoming a statistic. And so they marked me as useless and kicked me out with a gold star for effort. The last two years haven't been a lot better than the four I spent in. I tried to pursue my dreams in the best way I could, but I still lacked real support. I ended up putting my dreams on pause in order to be able to survive. I finally started to make what felt like progress, but then the novel coronavirus COVID-19 came along and closed down just about everything, including my source of income, putting me back in the position I was two years ago, but under even less optimal conditions. I'm not going to lie, it's been extremely rough. But I've had a lot of time. A lot of oportunities to think about what matters the most to me.
And then, something happened. One of my favorite brands, Baby the Stars Shine bright, colaborated with Harajuku Pop to make the At Home Lolita Contest. And I saw one of my dreams again, up for the winning if I entered. And I began to remember my dreams again. I remembered the things that I loved and the things that I replaced them with because I was told that my dreams were unobtainable. And so I took a shakey first step towards reclaiming my dreams. I drew myself in a dream that I want to become a reality. And then I prayed that this dream could become a reality and drew that too. I suddenly started to remember who I wanted to be and what I wanted to do. It's going to be a long path ahead to get there, but I'm on that path now and I see where I'm going.
I hope you all can find your dreams too, whether they're lost or not. ♥
~Butterfly
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| Artwork by me, do not share or reproduce without permission. |
At the time of writing this, the At Home Lolita contest is still underway and winners have not been announced yet. Check out my Twitter to see the results and stay tuned for future posts.
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Instagram: @animelolitacouture
Twitter: @AnimLoliCouture
Facebook: Anime Lolita CoutureTiktok: @thebutterflychan
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